This week I have been able to get further into SACH. The forth chapter discusses the confusion about authority in our world today. The world does not see that parents are the authority figures of their children. Biblically, God has called us to be the authority in our children’s lives and act on His behalf in parenting our children (see Genesis 18:19, Deuteronomy 6:2, and Ephesians 6:4).
So far, I agree. I am the one responsible for teaching my child. God has entrusted her to me and I must follow His command. But Tripp later in the chapter states that as the authority in our children’s lives we must show them that we are in charge by telling our children what they will eat, what they will wear, what they will do when I tell them to do it. He is saying we should not give our children choices. If we do, by the time our children “are six or eight or ten, he is his own boss. By age thirteen the child is out of control.”
He does say that some people may disagree with this statement and argue that “children only learn to be decision makers as parents allow them to make decisions.” And his rebuttal: “Children will be good decision makers as they observe faithful parents modeling and instructing wise direction and decision making on their behalf.”
After reading this today, I am still having trouble understanding why my daughter cannot make decisions on her own (when it doesn’t matter, of course. Such as what to eat for breakfast—cereal or a pop tart; or what to wear to school—the striped dress or the one with flowers). From previous biblically based studies I have done, my small groups have said this was an okay thought process. And now I am reading a new train of thought.
Kevin Leman in Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours talks about being an authority without being an authoritarian.
What kind of parent are you and why?
I have not read the Tripp book cover to cover, but it was given to me as a resource for our rather strong-willed, red-headed toddler, and I have skimmed most of it. I read the part you read today and thought it was ridiculous if he meant it as literally as it seemed. Maybe he meant it for those kids who throw a fit because they want to wear their swimsuit to the grocery store. Maybe not.
ReplyDeleteWe have found success with our oldest following *some* of the ideas in Leman's book. And we definitely give her the freedom to begin to learn decision making... when it's appropriate. "No, you may not wear your swimsuit to the grocery, but you may choose between these two shirts", etc. There are definitely days when she challenges our authority, but that's when we pull out the "We're not giving you an option, right now, you need to obey." Card.
Good luck. I'll be watching these responses roll in. My kids are only (almost) 3 and 1, so I'm sure I have a lot to learn on this parenting journey.
I just read this book this summer as well. I will have to look at that chapter again. I never took him as not allowing them any choices. I took it as letting them do whatever they want. For instance, you mention for breakfast letting your daughter choose "cereal or poptart"; not letting her choose whatever she wants for breakfast. And, in reference to learning to make good decisions, I have begun saying to our daughter (4):"are you going to choose to obey or disobey." Or, when she is pouting,:"You can choose to be nasty or you can choose to be happy." I want her to know now that controlling our emotions is a choice, not just personality. Now you've planted a seed and I have to get out the book to see what he said...
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ReplyDeleteThanks for posting on this book. I think I mentioned to you earlier this summer that I had read the book and was hoping to discuss it with others. While I agree with a lot of what the author had to say I did not agree with everything. I remember thinking the very things you did when I read that part about decision making. When in seminary I worked for a children's home where we used Love and Logic parenting which is ALL about choices. Providing choices but also making the child aware of natural consequences at the same time. I found that giving choices nipped many a control battle in the bud. I will be interested to see others opinions on this.
I think it's a good idea to give a few choices to the kid and let them pick. It gives them some sense of independence, but also keeps them from getting out of control with having a million choices. Since D is only one... :)
ReplyDeleteI wonder if you could look up on the book's website and contact the author about that part in the book to see exactly what he means or if there are a lot of other questions out there about that section. I wouldn't think that a 10 year old would need all of her decisions made for her by her parents. What would she do when they weren't around and she had a decision to make? She definitely wouldn't make a good one I wouldn't think. Spending the night at a friend's house and having candy corn and mac and cheese for breakfast... :)
I'm what developmental psychologists call an "authoritative" parent: I expect a lot from my kid (age 4 1/2) but I also treat him as a person whose ideas are worth considering. My goal is not to raise a child; it's to raise an adult who lives rightly. My parenting is less about making him do what I say than about teaching him how to make decisions...which often leads to deciding to do the same thing I would have him do...but I also accept that sometimes when he makes a different choice, it is still an acceptable choice.
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