If you've read the blog for a while, you may know my husband is a pastor. We moved from North Carolina where we attended seminary to Pennsylvania a year and a half ago. We love it here! We love the church and really feel like this is exactly where God wants us. It's definitely hard to be away from our families and friends, but we try not to dwell on that.
But it is hard (hard, hard!) for me to have friends in the church! I mean real, deep, good, talk about everything, tell it like it is friends! For example, I get invited to a lot of things. Showers, weddings, Sunday School parties, birthday parties.... but sometimes I know it's just because I'm the pastor's wife and they feel obligated. Then other times I don't get invited because I'm the pastor's wife. ("I would have invited you, but I didn't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable," in other words, "We didn't want to be on our best behavior.")
And let's face it, there are somethings you just don't want to know about your pastor. If Lee and I are struggling with something in our marriage, I can't really confide in the ladies in the congregation. I don't want anyone picturing him always leaving his dirty socks in the middle of the floor, especially when he gets up to preach. Not that I want them to think he's super-human or anything, I just always want to show him respect, especially in front of our church members.
So, after a year and a half of experience, I've decided a few things about forming friendships as the pastor's wife. I can either dwell on the relationships I don't have, or enjoy the relationships I have!
First, I go along with just about anything someone invites me to! For example, Friday a group is going on a zip line tour at a nearby ski resort! We try to do girl nights together about once a month. Instead of focusing on the ones I'm not invited to, I just organize or host my own! I try to invite new ladies every time. That way I don't get the reputation of being "cliquish." Plus, I may really click with someone I just haven't had the opportunity to be around yet! Facebook is a great tool to help me do this. I just plan a night, put it on my Facebook status, and anyone who wants to come can come!
Second, I rely on my mom and other friends for the serious stuff. It is easier because I can talk about "so and so" with out my mom really knowing who it is. I talk to friends who know Lee as just Lee, and not "Pastor Lee." These relationships are so important to me!
I have formed friendships with other pastors' wives, who not only have been there and done that, but are still there and still doing it! I've also formed friendships with ladies I really only know on-line. I contribute to Clutch, a site for pastors' wives of all denominations, and recently found a site specifically for Southern Baptist pastors' wives, Contagious Joy. Even though I don't know the women in real life, I can feel a connection through their blogs and on Twitter.
Most importantly, I don't expect friends to fill a hole in my life. It is only through God and my relationship with Him that I am truly whole. I must continue to rely on Him for my needs. If I don't, I'm in danger of creating an "idol" that takes His place. God, His Word, the Spirit living in me- these bring me comfort and encouragement.
I know pastor's wives aren't the only ones who struggle making and maintaining friendships. I hope that sharing what's on my heart this week will encourage you to be thankful for the friendships you have, or even encourage you to make a new friend. I'm sure your pastor's wife is available for a girls night soon!
Wonderful post, Sandra. I understand exactly where you are and I feel the same way ... I think the longer we're in ministry (now into our 14th year) the more I'm aware of how hard authentic relationships are. It's easy to get together with someone for coffee or scrapbooking and not get into "life" with them ... but having someone to come alongside me ... that is harder. I'm so thankful for the internet too ... a great open door for building relationships ... and I have a great relationship with my brother's wife who is also a PW and several other members of my family. You are not alone!
ReplyDeleteThis is the 9th year of ministry for Heath and I. I can relate to everything you shared.
ReplyDeleteI know sharing this was not easy for you, but I thank you! I know it will bless many PWs b/c it will make them feel like their own story is being shared.
I was a SB pastor's wife for almost 15 years before my husband resigned from the pastorate to pursue full-time Air Force chaplaincy (endorsed by the NAMB), where we've been for three years now.
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to all of this, and add for your readers that sometimes I would have liked to have a name, at the very least, instead of being introduced as "the pastor's wife." Hello! I'm Pattie! Hope the worst of what has happened to me in the church never touches your doorstep. And I wish you so many blessings!
Oh thank you so much for posting that. My hubby was a pastor for awhile and that is one thing that I can so relate to. It is so hard to be friends with the people in you congregation.
ReplyDeleteBecause I have been there before I have a special relationship with my current pastor's wife. She and I go out for lunch about once a month and she has someone who she can talk to and understands what she is going through. I don't think you really can see a pastor's wife's view if you have never been there and done that.
And I also have done my own parties and who ever wanted to come could come. It is a nice way to get to know the ladies with out any pressure on either side.
Thankyou for sharing your heart with us.
I grew up in a small town, the daughter of the preacher (didn't call them pastors back then in the Baptist Church). My mother was a preachers daughter, my brother is a preacher, as is my niece's husband and my nephew. You have to trust me when I say I understand! Did I mention that I am the pastor's secretary at a large church in my town??God bless you, ladies, as you do what God calls you to do. I was talking with my dear mother last week, about something very ugly at the church where I work and we observed that over the past few years, the constant picking that was my bedtime lullaby on the preacher's wife and children has been turned toward the pastor himself. We seem to have lost a sense of respect for our pastors and their position as leaders of our churches. Across the board in society this is true, as well, I think. From where I sit, you ladies and your children have it a bit easier than we did when I was growing up, but it might be easier to be criticized myself than to hear my husband and/or father be attacked. I just don't know. I know that I begged God to let me minister in some other way than from a parsonage, and He graciously has allowed me that desire. I have often throughout the years ministered to my pastor and his family as probably nobody else could. With empathy, with love and with acceptance. I have been known to be a bulldog when someone was mistreating my pastor. Hang in there. Sandra is right for all of us, pastor's wives or not. Don't expect friends or even family to fill the God shaped hole that is in each of us! Bless you all this Monday morning!
ReplyDeletePastor's wifes are a select group of women called of God to be the help mate for men He has called to minister to His people. My son is an associate pastor at a Southern Baptist church, my dad has been a deacon most all of his 80+ years and my mom was a pastors' secretary for some 26 years,so I feel like I have been exposed to some scary sides of "CHURCH" people. Some of the pastors' wifes I have known get involved with women of the church and others do not. But I do know it is hard to hear negative and bad things about those you love and who you personally know are doing their best to serve God. Yet on the other hand we as women know these men personally and they are men with all their earthly faults and as women we need a sounding board and we need friends. So if you are reading this as a wife of a pastor please know I personally pray for you daily and if you are not a pastor's wife but are friends with one please minister to them in any manner God lays on your heart. The ministry of these women is important to their husbands and to the church. We have so much to learn from each other.
ReplyDeleteJust yesterday this is what I heard, "I didn't invite you because I know you get lots of invitations." Maybe everyone thinks this,because we don't get very many invites ;-)
ReplyDeleteWell, I'm going to comment anyway, even though I am not a preacher's wife. :)
ReplyDeleteI find that just being a woman, who strives to be Christ-like, is a struggle. Even some of my "Christian" friends avoid me because they like to "live a little."
It was a hard thing to do when I graduated college early to get married. I left behind my friends, who were focused on classes and parties and dating, to marry my husband, who I had met at my church. NO ONE seemed to understand.
Then when we had our daughter, two years ago, I lost even more friends. I didn't WANT to be the kind of mom who worked all week, then went out with friends on Friday nights. I felt so blessed with the family God had given me - a wonderful, Godly husband, and a precious daughter. I knew God was calling me to stay at home.
So now I am 25. I can honestly say that my only best friend is my husband (which isn't a bad thing) and I probably have one good friend that I can talk to outside of my family members. Sometimes I feel rejected when I see on facebook that my old friends are "going out" and I had not been invited, but I try to be content. I'm trying to live the way God would want me to, and I hope that I would be an inspiration - a good example of a Christian woman for younger girls to look up to. Especially my daughter.
Hey guys. I'm Teri Lynne's sister in law. And Mollieanne's nephew's wife. I have been a pastor's wife for two years now. I think that one of the hardest things for PW isn't the talking about the husbands. At least not for me. Sure I get angry sometimes, but nothing that I can't roll of my back. It's the lack of a true friend. I have my family and that's it. Heath is my best friend (as it should be), but other than family, I have no one else to talk to. I just don't think those outside of the minister's house can truly understand. I find myself holing up in my house and just avoiding other women. It's easier than to be reminded of how much you are an outsider. Am I the only one who sees herself as the outsider? I tell the ladies in the church all the time, "I'm not the "preacher's wife", I just happen to be married to the pastor. I'm just like you. I want, need, and desire the same things you do." There are days I'm just too tired to try. How do you even begin the relationship building. I'm trying the internet, but with homeschooling, and seven children, it's not the most time wise thing.
ReplyDeleteBut, above all, I am working to live my life with a Kingdom Purpose. I suppose that road can be lonely as far as the world is concerned. But my God sure does fill the space up. And He created me, so I know He knows my needs better than I. So along this path I will joyously walk, for His ways are not my ways, and my heart's desire is to delight in Him.
So many great (and long!) comments! Thank you so much ladies for sharing your hearts with us. I really feel encouraged!
ReplyDeleteOh, yes. Been there and done that! My husband has never (yet, anyway) been the senior pastor, but he was in full-time church ministry for the first four years of our marriage. (At the moment, he's working for a non-profit organization.) It *is* hard, because members of the congregation tend to not really think of you as a "real person." But you have some terrific ideas here, and I am saving this post for future reference, as I suspect that God is not done with us in full-time church work yet. :)
ReplyDeleteI can so relate to this post! This is my husband's 13th year in the ministry. My best friend just moved to another state and I miss her terribly! Now I have to start all over
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